What the H*** happened?!

As you can see from the date of this post its been over 5 years since my surgery. So it's about time for a bit of a vent, and some of you may relate to this hurricane in my head.

It was going soooooo Great!!! It was 2018, my weight had gotten down to my goal of 125lbs !!! I had been keeping it off for 3 years and I was so proud of myself. At this point, I had ended my relationship of 2 years a few months before the new years and thank heavens because it was TOXIC! I was single and decided to have fun for once, so I would go out 3 nights a week to our local country club and party it up, and by party I mean beer, and drinks and hanging out.... The weight was still staying off so I didn't have any cares about that. Other than the alcohol I was still eating semi-healthy.

Towards the end of the year I started dating my now husband. I stopped going out and fell in love. He cooked wonderful dinners and I was still on my feet all the time for work so I had no worries about my weight. I had kept it off this long, I should still be able to now right? WRONG! The weight slowly crept back up and before I knew it I was 150! I was SO mad at myself. What the heck happened? I was happy, not drinking as much....

Well, a few things happened, my husband and I left our jobs and were unemployed for a bit so depression started back up again. We maxed out our credit cards to live. I was able to find a job pretty soon after but this job involved sitting all the time. Not on my feet. My husband was having a hard time finding work so we were still using cards every once and a while and as some of you know this causes stress. We didn't fight, and still don't so there was never that tension but we were never relaxed.

Now this is the end of 2019, we got married, got a dog and credit cards were paid off, at least mine were. BUT then our dog needed to be rushed to the ER for a really bad allergic reaction, credit cards.... He then needed eye surgery... credit cards... Now before I go any further, I do not regret any of that, our pets are 100% worth it, so I do not blame that at all. Life happens. My injured my foot tripping over our dog's ball, yes, I know, clumsy and crazy that I almost broke it, so I wasn't able to even walk far on it. My husband’s jeep decided it didn't want to be on earth anymore so guess what...new car...it was like this for a while and the credit cards were maxed out again. Weight kept fluctuating between 140 and 150..... I was not feeling good about myself.

I started back on the protein shakes but no matter what I did, I was ALWAYS hungry again. I stopped watching my portions and kept the weight. I went to my doctor and we tried several things but none would take any weight off or control my hunger. I was still eating healthy foods just more than my stomach use to be able to, I even tried the reset and nothing. I bought a bariatric plate and my husband followed how much of what goes where. We both stopped using large plates to eat and everything is on a salad plate. Still nothing.....

So I saw an ad for Noom. *click Noom and it'll bring the site up* Yes it would cost but I had heard great things about it so decided to try. I started Feb 20th, 2020 and at first lost 9 lbs.! It was working. I was ecstatic and decided this was going to do it!.......Then COVID happened. I, as well as my husband, are essential workers so long hours and obviously no going out even to walk around parks or use the apt's gym. He no longer had time to cook really healthy meals and our schedules were all over the place. He still cooked and they were still healthy but nothing like before. We both started to drink more, I myself went from maybe a beer or mixed drink a night or a glass of wine to anywhere from that to a few drinks and snacking at night. My foot was finally healed but now I can't even use our gym....

So here we are. May 24th, and I go up and down between 143lbs to 145lbs. Never moving much. I haven't been using Noom like I should be and have about a months’ worth or reading to do on it. My brain just said to myself, WHY??? It's not like I'm going to lose anything. We had to spend a bunch more money on our dogs, another ER visit and some other medical issues. Our dogs go to doggy daycare both twice a week. When they go, they are there from opening at 630am to 6pm when I can get them. It does cost but not even close to expensive as the other places, and this way our dogs do not destroy the house since we are always on weird schedules. Other money problems came up and more depression and self-doubt kicked in....I mean, realistically by brain just doesn’t see how I'm ever going to get back down to my healthy weight! I'm not going to starve myself because I would go crazy and binge and that is the worst thing to do. 

So what’s the plan you ask? Ok, well maybe you didn't ask but I'm going to tell you. FIRST, I’m going back and getting back on the horse with the Noom program. I mean I am paying a pretty penny for it, well already paid for it, so im going to use it dang it! I'm going to start bringing shakes as my breakfast and lunches.....and I am gonna try hard to stick with this. I’ve already started bringing smaller portions to work for lunch and trying to stop eating the minute I feel full when eating dinner. Im trying to limit myself to either 1 beer a night or no alcohol at all. I’ve have been drinking more water and use this awesome little gadget called Ulla to remind me to drink water. *Click on the name and it’ll bring you to amazon and you can take a look.* I am trying this other product called Liquid IV which when added to 16 ounces of water gives electrolytes and other stuff (don’t ask me what cause I can’t even remember what I had for breakfast today) and it ends up equaling the equivalent of 3-16 ounce glasses of water. I have noticed that I am not as dehydrated anymore and that paired with my Ulla is helping. And as we all know as bariatric patients we have to have at least 64 ounces of water a day, which can be tough but these definitely help.  And by the way, No, I am not getting paid ANYTHING to talk about any of these products lol, I wish... I'm also going to TRY and I do mean try because this is Texas and its beginning to get HOT, im going to try walking around my apartment complex at least 3 times a week for 30mins to an hour. I have a standing desk so I do get up and stand but not sure how much that is helping. 

SOOOOO now you know how much frustration can come in our lives at bariatric patients. As I said when I first started this blog and as we were told before our surgeries. This is not an easy out. This is a total life style change. We have to relearn everything we know about food and eating. Its hard work, probably harder than anyone thinks, including us even now. It’s a lifelong change and there apparently will be ups and downs, hopefully down in weight for me, and we need to sometimes vents and rethink everything. Money is still tight, COVID is still here with restrictions and that doesn’t seem like it'll be around for a while so getting used to it, and eating is still a challenge. It comes down to once again, our mental battles with our inner fat kids, support that we have to have, and food... I guess maybe I got complacent, maybe life happened, But we all need to remember why we did this surgery, to become healthier and live longer and better lives. 

Thanks for taking the time to listen to, well read, my vent. Even if you just looked over some of it. Hopefully I can stick to my plan and get back to a weight that makes me feel more confident about myself, and healthier for myself and my family.

Here are pics from before surgery in chronological order until now. From my happy weight til now may not seem like a lot through pics but it’s does frustrate me.